Me and T are participating in a writing excercise called “30 days of D/s” on LovingBDSM . You will find T’s answer at the end of this post. None if us has seen the others answers before posting but we do discuss them afterwards.
How do you handle conflict now? How do you imagine handling it in D/s? What do you think you’ll need to do differently in a D/s relationship?
Brianna: For the first 3 years we were together I don’t think we had one conflict. I remember reflecting over wit and comparing it to my only other relationship that was more or less always about conflict every day. After we had our first child it got a bit more tense and after the second one… we’ll, let’s just say I might not have been the most polite and friendly wife.
T would never start the fights or conflicts. He would just be the reason for them. Kidding. Sort of. I am the one with the temper and blood sugar that just crashes and makes me into a real D-I-V-A (you know the Snickers commercial? So me!) !
The last couple of years have been tough. As of this summer we’ve been together for 8 years but we’ve had a really high tempo in everything we’ve done. Wedding, kids, house, work… We really just forgot about taking time for each other.
When our D/s relationship is strong we have absolutely no conflicts. It’s not about me not being allowed to have opinions or raise my voice (that would NEVER work!) but rather that I have found ways to express myself better and that we have found ways to deal with more and more things that usually leads to conflicts.
I can’t say exactly what we do differently now. It’s not really the way of dealing with conflicts that is different but rather that we don’t get to the point where a discussion becomes a conflict. One thing I know is different is that T has started to take more responsibility in our daily life. Before it has always been that he has waited for me to give instructions and to get things going. Now he takes more initiative and just does things without me having to tell him every little step.
For me this is a huge change. I am constantly thinking of ways I can make everyone happy and it can and has really drained me of energy over a long, long time. Finally I feel like I have some moments to come up for air and I hope there will be more and more.
The other side
T: I believe it’s a big difference between an “ordinary” D/s relationship and a domestic D/s one. Mainly because every day life life is always present: bills needs to be paid, differences in the way we want to raise our children and so on. Those conflicts appear on a daily basis. Before we immersed ourselves in this wonderful thing we usually just bottled it all up until we had a argument which always lead to lying in bed talking and crying (Yes, it was me. I did the crying. Brianna always ends up comforting me.).
Then came our first attempt, Brianna’s mental walls went down, and I failed to be her “mental guardian” which I had promised her. That lead to her showing all of her irritation, sadness and anger and I couldn’t to get that under control except for a few days. During those days she was the happiest I had seen her in years.
Wanting to be close to me. I Hate that I didn’t be what I promised her, that I failed her and missed out of her closeness all this time.
Now this time I feel we can handle it a whole lot better. We take it at a pace that lets me grow into a natural position instead of running before I even left the fricking womb. And Brianna is amazing, I know I can be a little (we are talking junk-mail-that-you-never-seem-to-be-able-to-unsubscribe-from-level) annoying and irritating. But she calms herself down now and I hope it is partly because she feels I’m a lot more secure with myself. I still doubt myself especially when she’s really deep in her depression. When all my instincts say that I should just cradle and shelter, hug and say beautiful things to her. And I do those things and that makes her fall even deeper. Instead of doing what she wants and needs.
Brianna: … and that would be a nice and hard spanking, please and thank you!
Thank you for reading my blog. You are so awesome! Love Brianna