Day 4: Contract — 30 days of D/s

Me and Husband, T, are participating in a writing excercise called “30 days of D/s” on LovingBDSM . You will find T’s answer at the end of this post. None if us has seen the others answers before posting but we do discuss them afterwards.

People read the word “negotiation” and imagine some sort of back and forth thing around a table in a formal way. It can be that, sure, but mostly it’s just the conversation you have to figure out what kind of D/s relationship you want for yourself. Submissives have the right to, and should, ask why a rule/task/ritual is being put in place and both sides should have the freedom to disagree, suggest other things, and make sure their needs are being met.

Negotiations aren’t a one-time thing either. You’ll come back to this over and over again in your relationship. Will you have a contract? Do you need a checklist? What exactly does a negotiation sound like?

CONTRACT?

I know I want to have a contract and a defined rule list that we update all the time to make it clear to us both what we are actually doing. But as soon as I think that I want that I immediately go back to March and the epic-mega-crash-of-18. How are we going to do this without falling into something similar again? Both of us are extremely bad about structure, remembering things and routines in general which really speaks against having a contract. On the other hand one of us is very forgetful (spoiler: it’s not me!) so a document capturing everything we do, don’t do, need to remember and so on would be very good. Hmm. It’s way more difficult that I thought the first time I read about contracts and it was just a really new, awesome and super shiny turn on.

Loving BDSM podcast

To get some more “food for thought” in writing this blog I finally listened to an episode of Loving BDSMs podcast and I need to just go a tiny bit off topic here.

The reason I didn’t listen t immediately after finding it (I am a podcast addict and I was thrilled when finding this podcast) was because I feared it wouldn’t be good. Every BDSM podcast I have ever listened has been so disappointing (to put it mildly!). But absolutely not this one. Just the fact that Kayla Lords talks fast (like me) and not slow (like almost everybody else on earth!) is a huge plus. I don’t even have to speed up the pod to 1,5x . That almost NEVER happens. So awesome.

So what happens now?

Anyway. Having or not having a contract is a big question and I don’t think we are anywhere close to an answer. We now have a total of two rules. Wow. I know that I want to be controlled/structured/supervised, whatever you want to call it, like at least 10 times more than now and I want consequences and rewards. I don’t want, however, to put my husband in a place again where he is overwhelmed by the responsibility. So. Yeah. Fun times ahead I guess.

The other side

When we started this journey in March, we had a several page long document, but I didn’t manage to finish it and I believe that was the thing that started the avalanche. The tiny snowball pushed out from the mountain side. The fact that all the thing we had negotiated and talked about was in this document but I failed at doing one of the most important things that we negotiated: that Brianna didn’t feel that it was for real without a finished document.

When we are in the right mood and Brianna is feeling happy/turned on we quite easily can form ideas and rules. Mostly Brianna. Her brain is a fantastic assistant to me and as I’ve said before: Her brain is a sadist and that can work for her and against her. When she’s not happy I often feel very uncertain of what I can do or say (read her previous post, which btw was truly godsent or just a work of her brilliant persona). As in almost all parts of life communication is key to a harmonic environment. In a D/s relationship it’s s a matter of life and death of the relationship. I’m so glad that Brianna and I are good at it most of the time. – T, the Husband, the Dominant