Day 7: Communication – 30 days of D/s

July 2, 2018July 2, 2018 / Brianna / 4 Comments

Me and T are participating in a writing excercise called “30 days of D/s” on LovingBDSM . You will find T’s answer at the end of this post. None if us has seen the others answers before posting but we do discuss them afterwards.

What is your communication style? What happens when you try to communicate your thoughts or needs?

Brianna writes:

Talking with T is my favorite thing in the whole world. If I could only choose one person to talk with forever it would be him. Or maybe one of our kids. Probably the oldes one because she is so frikkin smart. Or the youngest one because he is crazy. Ah! Why did I start down this track? Back to business.

I talk a lot. I love talking. Talking is awesome. I think fast and talk fast. Everyone else usually seems to talk and think in slow motion. I really try to remember that not everyone else’s brain is as intense as mine but when I get emotional, which is very likely in a relationship, I just lose all kinds of leniency and annoyance builds up very fast.

(Sorry T that you have to deal with this. But this is my brain and you love my sexy, crazy brain. Try to remember that!)

I am very good at describing things in metaphors and I think that helps T to understand my way of thinking. Sometimes. He also gets a lot out of me writing here on the blog or writing texts. We also do some communication through “To do”-lists in different ways. For example I can write things I can’t handle and then T has to deal with it or force me to deal with it. It’s a work in progress.

T writes:

I love talking to Brianna, I love her intelligence, compassion and I especially lover her humor.

She can speak for hours and never run out of things to say and never really need a dialog.

Me on the other hand, I need a help initiating conversation. When I feel comfortable I can speak for a long time too. This has been a bit of an issue.Brianna is almost always the driving force in our communication and when she feels low on energy or sad or for some other reason can’t be the initiator our communication Jan come to a halt. I’ve started being better at it but I’ve got a long way to go.

When we talk it’s with a lot of sarcasm and humor. We have fun together!

Read our other blogs on 30 days of D/s

Thank you for reading my blog. You are so awesome! Love Brianna

Day 5: Punishment + Discipline — 30 days of D/s

June 12, 2018June 20, 2018 / Brianna / 7 Comments

As a submissive, are you willing to allow a Dominant to discipline or punish you in your relationship? What kinds of punishments can you imagine for bad behavior?

Brianna: It would be a pretty obvious lie if I wrote “No” right now since I’ve already shared at least two images and text after I’ve been disciplined? (Once with stinging nettles and once with the cane.)

My first sexual fantasy ever was about spanking. I was assigned a book for Swedish class when I was 13 and in the first chapter of the book a girl (about my age at that point) got birched by her aunt (I think or maybe a legal guardian of some kind). I just couldn’t stop reading that chapter. Never even got past it and I don’t remember how I did that book report are but I probably just took another book instead. When it was time to give the book back I remember I claimedI lost it somehow. I refused to give it up! (I don’t know where the book went or even what book it was. It would have been cool to find that out now though! It was something about the panda I think? If anyone knows what book it could be pleeeeease help me out!)

I’ve been fascinated by spanking ever since and I have always fantasized about it being “real”. Not just something in a scene when playing. With my husband I kind of gave up on the idea. He is the kindest person in the whole world and I couldn’t really imagine him wanting to spank me for real.

I was so very, very wrong. Not only does he love spanking me but he also can truly see the results it has. He can clearly see the connection between him spanking me and my behavior. And I think that is important.

HOW DO I WANT TO BE SPANKED?

Good for maintenance and play

Time: Long time. At least 10-15 minutes (depending on the day and my mood). Anything under than that and I don’t get to that magical point where my mind resets.

Force: Middle slowly going up to hard but not so hard that I can’t stand it for 15 minutes.

Body: The softest and most cushioned parts of my buttocks.

With: Thuddy implements like T’s hands or “the salmon” (no going back. That name is sticking!). I love when I almost can feel those deep bruises forming with every strike.

Placement: Over the knee or a table. I want to have all the pressure of my joints so I can really focus on only the pain from the spanking.

How do I hate being spanked?

Good for punishments

Time: Short and efficiency

Force: Hard

Body: Lower buttocks and upper thighs

With: Implements that give a sharp pain like the cane, the vipers tongue or any wispy implements like birch twigs.

Placement: The only one I really didn’t like was diaper position.

Other kinds of punishments

I have to give this some thought because I don’t really know if I want or if my behavior could benefit from other kinds of punishments so that will be a future post. Will try my absolute best to remember linking it here.

The other side

As a Dominant, are you willing to require discipline or give out punishment? What kinds of punishments can you imagine for bad behavior?

T: I absolutely have no problem with dealing out punishments or tasks, what I do have a problem with is remembering actually dealing out the punishment or checking up on if Brianna have done the task given. This is a huge problem that I’m currently trying to solve.

I enjoy being able to help Brianna be the best she can be. I’m willing to test everything when it comes to punishment ideas, I like to fit the punishment to the crime, our latest rule is that Brianna needs to place her bras in the same place so she doesn’t misplace them. If not we are experimenting with nipple clamps. I know Brianna HATES being bored, it crushes her and not in a good way. So I’m trying to add an element of sex/pain in all punishment.

I always make sure that I’m not angry when delivering the punishments, and that Brianna has calmed down abit before doing them. Discipline and punishment is necessary for me, I know it makes us a better couple and that Brianna can be softer if I’m stricter.

Go to all posts on our 30 days of D/s

Thank you for reading my blog. You are so awesome! Love Brianna

Day 4: Contract — 30 days of D/s

June 11, 2018June 12, 2018 / Brianna / 8 Comments

Me and Husband, T, are participating in a writing excercise called “30 days of D/s” on LovingBDSM . You will find T’s answer at the end of this post. None if us has seen the others answers before posting but we do discuss them afterwards.

People read the word “negotiation” and imagine some sort of back and forth thing around a table in a formal way. It can be that, sure, but mostly it’s just the conversation you have to figure out what kind of D/s relationship you want for yourself. Submissives have the right to, and should, ask why a rule/task/ritual is being put in place and both sides should have the freedom to disagree, suggest other things, and make sure their needs are being met.

Negotiations aren’t a one-time thing either. You’ll come back to this over and over again in your relationship. Will you have a contract? Do you need a checklist? What exactly does a negotiation sound like?

CONTRACT?

I know I want to have a contract and a defined rule list that we update all the time to make it clear to us both what we are actually doing. But as soon as I think that I want that I immediately go back to March and the epic-mega-crash-of-18. How are we going to do this without falling into something similar again? Both of us are extremely bad about structure, remembering things and routines in general which really speaks against having a contract. On the other hand one of us is very forgetful (spoiler: it’s not me!) so a document capturing everything we do, don’t do, need to remember and so on would be very good. Hmm. It’s way more difficult that I thought the first time I read about contracts and it was just a really new, awesome and super shiny turn on.

Loving BDSM podcast

To get some more “food for thought” in writing this blog I finally listened to an episode of Loving BDSMs podcast and I need to just go a tiny bit off topic here.

The reason I didn’t listen t immediately after finding it (I am a podcast addict and I was thrilled when finding this podcast) was because I feared it wouldn’t be good. Every BDSM podcast I have ever listened has been so disappointing (to put it mildly!). But absolutely not this one. Just the fact that Kayla Lords talks fast (like me) and not slow (like almost everybody else on earth!) is a huge plus. I don’t even have to speed up the pod to 1,5x . That almost NEVER happens. So awesome.

So what happens now?

Anyway. Having or not having a contract is a big question and I don’t think we are anywhere close to an answer. We now have a total of two rules. Wow. I know that I want to be controlled/structured/supervised, whatever you want to call it, like at least 10 times more than now and I want consequences and rewards. I don’t want, however, to put my husband in a place again where he is overwhelmed by the responsibility. So. Yeah. Fun times ahead I guess.

The other side

When we started this journey in March, we had a several page long document, but I didn’t manage to finish it and I believe that was the thing that started the avalanche. The tiny snowball pushed out from the mountain side. The fact that all the thing we had negotiated and talked about was in this document but I failed at doing one of the most important things that we negotiated: that Brianna didn’t feel that it was for real without a finished document.

When we are in the right mood and Brianna is feeling happy/turned on we quite easily can form ideas and rules. Mostly Brianna. Her brain is a fantastic assistant to me and as I’ve said before: Her brain is a sadist and that can work for her and against her. When she’s not happy I often feel very uncertain of what I can do or say (read her previous post, which btw was truly godsent or just a work of her brilliant persona). As in almost all parts of life communication is key to a harmonic environment. In a D/s relationship it’s s a matter of life and death of the relationship. I’m so glad that Brianna and I are good at it most of the time. – T, the Husband, the Dominant

Day 3: Roles — 30 days of D/s

June 10, 2018June 11, 2018 / Brianna / 1 Comment

Some titles for Dominants may be Master, Sir, Daddy, Mistress, Lady, etc. Titles for submissives can be pet, babygirl, little one, boy, girl, etc.

This is a very hot topic for us right now. We have a hard time finding titles and names for each other that feels just right. It would have been absolutely no problem if we spoke English (because English is awesome) but we don’t. We speak Swedish (and Swedish is silly).

Titles, labels and roles – Oh my!

I don’t really know how to define myself. Like with all personality definitions ever trying to decide people into groups with specific traits always has the side effect that some traits doesn’t fit

If I read the Submissive Guide’s definitions I’d say I was a submissive and that my submission stretched slightly outside of the sexual sphere. Also I am definitely a masochist and that is one of my biggest labels.

Going beyond these four roles I’d say I have somewhat of a “little” in me. Not the ageplay or the cute and childlike demeanor but more the longing for a strong protector, structure and safety. When I am feeling safe in my submission I always feel small and soft. Something I never feel in the rest of my life. It does sort of transfer though because when I feel that my submission at home is stronger than my dominance in my work and social life I feel happier and calmer over all. The only side effect is that a better workin submission at home makes me less interested in the world around us. So it’s a balance thing and I have no idea how to make it work.

So I was starting to read up on “littles” when I came across the term baby-girl instead. It’s not like I haven’t heard these terms before. I have been hanging out in online Bdsm communities since I was 18 which is 15 years ago. But the thing is that you just skip over stuff you don’t think applies to you.

Commence research on “baby-girls” then. I think one of the sentences in one article I found on Yahoo Lifestyle by Miya Yamanouchi really connected with me.

“whereas playing the role of a “grown-up” feels conversely like a forced and falsified act.”

I feel like everyone is growing up except me. I have full knowledge about being a grownup and I can etc extremely grown up if I want to, but it does feel like an act. If I would but a mental age on the part of me that feel the most true I would say about 15 years old.

Further in in the article it really puts the fingernonnexcavtly what I crave from my submission and what I need from my Husband.

“… being treated as both princess and juvenile, being pampered and spoiled for her good behaviors and scolded and punished for her not so good ones. […] No matter how domineering, authoritative, or demanding these women may appear to those who observe them in a professional context (of which they are exceptionally competent, high achieving and intellectual), these closet children will always return home seeking the quiet and comforting refuge of their Daddy’s arms. “

The part about stuffed animals and lollipops isn’t for me. But maybe we could substitute that with sweet and bubbly wine, glossy magazines and all inclusive charter travels to Spain?

[UPDATE – I actually found a third term now. Middle. This also feels like it fits. I found the article on Little and Bigs Playground:

Middle- a middle is a person who mentally (or physically) feels younger than they physically are. The term middle can fall under the little broad spectrum term. It is also known as Lolita & Nymphet. They tend to be mentally older than littles, more around the teen ages. So around 13-17. Once again ages are not set in stone because not every middle has a set age and not ever middle feels they represent the above listed age. ]

the other side

Ahh this old chestnut…
Like Brianna wrote Swedish is a dumb language. We have often call the way actors speaks in Swedish movies and tv-shows: “dramaten Swedish”. Dramaten is the fanciest and poshest theatre in Sweden and they speak very fake and dramatic.
I often feel like when I use the traditional titles I sound like that. It just doesn’t feel real. But I sometimes feel like I would want titles, just too formalize our “roles”. So if any Swedish talking readers have any ideas, please put it in the comments! 😉

— T, the Husband, the Dominant

Day 2: Submission — 30 days of D/s

June 9, 2018June 11, 2018 / Brianna / 2 Comments

I found this really exciting challenge/prompt list/writing excercise called “30 days of D/s” on LovingBDSM and I love writingprompts so I am totally going to do this. IF you get through the whole text i would love to heat your input. Leave a comment or send me an email!

Also, as a bonus, my T/Dominant/Husband decided to join in the fun so we have both written our answers without seeing the other ones first. You will find his answer at the end of this post. None if us has seen the others asters before posting but we do discuss them afterwards.

What is submission for me?

First of all I have to say that I find the sub-prompts (haha) for submission is way less interesting than those of yesterday‘s promise for dominance. It’s more about practical stuff for submission and for dominance it was very much focused on emotion and character. Why is this? Is it the idea of reducing a submissive to “a thing” or someone who just does things? Or am I just reading too much into these questions …

For me submission is the place where I find the part of my personality that I like the most. The everyday-Brianna is very focused on everybody else’s comfort, having everybody see her and to give her attention, to make sure that she always does the right thing at the right time so that everybody will like her and to make sure that everything flows perfectly in every way. My mind is very noisy. I always compare it to a browser Internet browser that has way too many tabs open. On one tab there’s music playing, another one there’s a video, there is a porno starting somewhere and pop ups are constantly interrupting and impossible to block. (You have fun with that…)

When I get into a state of submission it’s like the whole world, including my brain, just slows down. Must be this way that everybody else experience the world. When this happens I am able to be close to my husband and have him take care of me. But to be able to calm down enough to let all be able to handle my emotions and physical acts of affection I need to be taken to that place of submission with constant monitoring and attention. The longer I am able to stay in my submissive emotions, the more I can resist things trying to distract me.

Does a submissive have certain behaviors?

No. I think submission is unique for every person who wants to be a submissive and to submit. Like with everything else in our lives everything is so influenced by who we are, what we have experienced and we are we are headed. How could I pursue to say that all submissive have this behavior in common? It would just be silly.

For me doing household chores as an act of submission is totally unthinkable. Service in that way is not part of my submission at all. For me it is all based in some way or another in sex. So for example is my husband would like to change a certain behavior (for example me always placing my bra in the same place at home because I can never find it. Seriously. Every day. Like today it was literally 20 minutes ago. ) he would have to connect it in someway to something that has to do with my sexual submission. I feel like I am more a sex slave in combination with being controlled in other areas as well that me, my husband or both of us thinks would benefit us in some way.

The one rule we have at the moment is based on the problem I had that as soon as I got into bed in the evenings I lost all energy to do any play. Having to be given permission (and denied) to get into bed keeps the energy up.

Do submissives do specific tasks?

Again, no, because I can’t talk for all submissives. I am pretty sure there are a lot of things that many or even most submissive do but I don’t think that is important. I don’t think specific tasks make a submissive.

When you think of a submissive and submission, what thoughts come to mind?

I think just as with dominance, submission is very dangerous. The reason why you go into either role is very central to figuring out how healthy the exchange will be. I love submission partly because gives me a break from the more energy demanding parts of my life and partly because I have always been turned on by so many of the things and acts that has to do with submission.

I have had very happy and safe life. Nothing truly bad has ever happened to me and I have no childhood trauma that I carry with me into my submission. The same with my husband. He has had a very happy childhood. Whatever made him turn his kinks this way, I think that I have been a big part in developing his love for this kind of power exchange. He didn’t think that he would like hurting me as much as he did when we really started to up our pain-game. Very glad he did catch up with me with his kinks finally.

I like to think that I am a very intelligent person. I do not want to submit to my husband because I think that his judgement is so much better that mine is. We both know I am way smarter that he is. Ok, so we have different areas of intelligence then. My area is everything and his area is unimportant random facts. I also don’t think that women in anyway are inferior to men. That is a structural problem of society and it’s just idiotic. It is me as a person and not me as a woman who wants to submit to T as a person. Not because he is a man. (It doesn’t mean that I can’t be turned on because of the fact that I am a small, weak woman and he is a tall, strong man sometimes. I am actually able to have both these ideas at the same time. (I know. Me, a woman, using my brain for thinking. Horrible thing.) If I had been a man and my partner a woman it would still have been me me bending over, spreading my legs and waiting to be used or spanked or…

THE OTHER SIDE

I love the way Brianna is a force of nature in all other aspects of our life: Immediately when she goes into a situation she dominates it. This happens everywhere except in our romantic and sexual relationship. This is where she can let go of all control and just follow.

The “submissive friends with benefits” I had before I Brianna were sub that didn’t obey or follow just for the sake of it. This is something I don’t like. It feels fake and forced. Brianna has from day 1 always been extremely responsive and obedient. I was actually a bit dumbfounded at first. I didn’t know what to do with the extreme level of power I suddenly had: I couldn’t just wait and respond to rule breaking but I actually had to plan things now.
It took a long time (about 8 years ergo the last month) to actually be able to handle it at a decent level.

For me the qualities of a real submissive is:

Responsiveness
Obedience
A need to be better and work to achieve this
To be able to let go of control
The thing I associate most with submission is trust. And fun!

In a stroke of luck I found Brianna who has all of the qualities above plus many more!

— T, the husband, the Dominant