9. TMI Tuesday Newb

In a very different life (ok, so like 10 years ago) I was a very active blogger. But instead of D/s, spankings and sexy images I just blogged about whatever was my biggest thing right then. The blog changes when I changed. One of my favorite things was doing all sorts of challenges, answering questions and chatting with all other bloggers. So much about blogging that I had no idea I had missed but I am making it up for lost time! Today I am participating in TMI Tuesday. Follow the link to play along!

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TMI Tuesday week 24

1. If you were an ice-cream flavor, what would you be and why?

First of all I don’t really like ice-cream. I know that that kind of makes people not trust me but there it is. Secondly every mention of ice-cream flavors ever makes me think of Mindy Gledhills song All About Your Heart, a song I have used in projects for work way more often than I should because it’s so awesome.

Well, I guess I’ll just be T’s favourite so say Hello! to Phish Food (or pretty much any Ben & Jerry’s that has chocolate in it!)

2. What are the best sexy skills you bring to a sexual relationship?

I am very creative when it comes to punishments, humiliation, scenes and pretty much everything “sexy” and I sometimes wish I was the dominant because I would make a submissive very, very happy in that way.

3. What is the single largest problem causing you angst in your romantic relationship?

I am the biggest problem we have. Sometimes I feel like nothing is ever enough and that expect way to much. Or feel like I’m the most complicated sub ever. Or person.

4. What is the best part about being in a relationship with you?

When I am happy I make all moments in life exciting. Also I am very funny.

5. What is the biggest misconception that people have about you?

That I am strong in every way and that what they see on my social media for my business persona is how I actually feel about life.

Bonus: When you look at old photos of yourself, do you like what you see?

I love everything about images of myself. For a long time I had so many issues with my body in so many ways but for the last year or so I have landed at a place where I am so content.

And I wish I could tell myself how beautiful I am, both then and now! How I wish I could tell 12 year old Brianna with a DD-cup that you are going to love those boobs one day (and find a man who loves them very much but that is just a bonus because we are not defining our value based on a mans opinion of us. But it’s still nice.)

That I could tell 18-year old Brianna that all bodies are shaped differently and just because you wear bigger sizes than your friends doesn’t make you less worthy as a person.

Oh, if I could go back to 27-year old Brianna. I want to be there for her when she’s looking at her wedding photos with such hate towards her own body. I want to tell her that she is absolutely radiating and that she will come to love those images and treasure them for all her life.

Do you want to play along with TMI Tuesday? Click here to find out how!

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Thank you for reading my blog. You are so awesome! Love Brianna

Day 4: Contract — 30 days of D/s

Me and Husband, T, are participating in a writing excercise called “30 days of D/s” on LovingBDSM . You will find T’s answer at the end of this post. None if us has seen the others answers before posting but we do discuss them afterwards.

People read the word “negotiation” and imagine some sort of back and forth thing around a table in a formal way. It can be that, sure, but mostly it’s just the conversation you have to figure out what kind of D/s relationship you want for yourself. Submissives have the right to, and should, ask why a rule/task/ritual is being put in place and both sides should have the freedom to disagree, suggest other things, and make sure their needs are being met.

Negotiations aren’t a one-time thing either. You’ll come back to this over and over again in your relationship. Will you have a contract? Do you need a checklist? What exactly does a negotiation sound like?

CONTRACT?

I know I want to have a contract and a defined rule list that we update all the time to make it clear to us both what we are actually doing. But as soon as I think that I want that I immediately go back to March and the epic-mega-crash-of-18. How are we going to do this without falling into something similar again? Both of us are extremely bad about structure, remembering things and routines in general which really speaks against having a contract. On the other hand one of us is very forgetful (spoiler: it’s not me!) so a document capturing everything we do, don’t do, need to remember and so on would be very good. Hmm. It’s way more difficult that I thought the first time I read about contracts and it was just a really new, awesome and super shiny turn on.

Loving BDSM podcast

To get some more “food for thought” in writing this blog I finally listened to an episode of Loving BDSMs podcast and I need to just go a tiny bit off topic here.

The reason I didn’t listen t immediately after finding it (I am a podcast addict and I was thrilled when finding this podcast) was because I feared it wouldn’t be good. Every BDSM podcast I have ever listened has been so disappointing (to put it mildly!). But absolutely not this one. Just the fact that Kayla Lords talks fast (like me) and not slow (like almost everybody else on earth!) is a huge plus. I don’t even have to speed up the pod to 1,5x . That almost NEVER happens. So awesome.

So what happens now?

Anyway. Having or not having a contract is a big question and I don’t think we are anywhere close to an answer. We now have a total of two rules. Wow. I know that I want to be controlled/structured/supervised, whatever you want to call it, like at least 10 times more than now and I want consequences and rewards. I don’t want, however, to put my husband in a place again where he is overwhelmed by the responsibility. So. Yeah. Fun times ahead I guess.

The other side

When we started this journey in March, we had a several page long document, but I didn’t manage to finish it and I believe that was the thing that started the avalanche. The tiny snowball pushed out from the mountain side. The fact that all the thing we had negotiated and talked about was in this document but I failed at doing one of the most important things that we negotiated: that Brianna didn’t feel that it was for real without a finished document.

When we are in the right mood and Brianna is feeling happy/turned on we quite easily can form ideas and rules. Mostly Brianna. Her brain is a fantastic assistant to me and as I’ve said before: Her brain is a sadist and that can work for her and against her. When she’s not happy I often feel very uncertain of what I can do or say (read her previous post, which btw was truly godsent or just a work of her brilliant persona). As in almost all parts of life communication is key to a harmonic environment. In a D/s relationship it’s s a matter of life and death of the relationship. I’m so glad that Brianna and I are good at it most of the time. – T, the Husband, the Dominant

7. Sinful Sunday Newb

“She could be lost or she could be home,
she could be seen or she could be ignored,
Wherever she was she was protected.
And she was loved.”

Follow the kiss to see others Sinful Sunday.

Submission Journal — 2

TIME

8 June – 10 June

PUNISHMENT

No punishments the last three days. Yeay. Well having only one rule to remember and follow makes it less of a risk but we are adding another rule as of today. To be continued …

DISCIPLINE

There has been more random, short spankings both with Ts hand and, this is so weird, but with one of the dildos we have. It’s actually one of my favorite implements right now because it is quiet, very “thuddy” (which is my favorite pain – no sting for me please! Ok. A little sting is ok. Ok. Just give me a lot of sting too!) and it makes my butt hurt in that nice “Am I sore from training or spanking?”-feeling. Not that I have to really think about that last part. I’m pretty well aware of what makes my ass thorb.

Also. I have nicknamed the dildo “laxen”, or “the salmon” in English. Apparently this is not a appropriate according to Husband. I don’t understand why? It’s pink, I like it very much and it is traditionally associated with wet things? Perfect nickname!

THE GOOD STUFF

My orgasms have been better for some days and even if they are still difficult to reach it takes less time than the last weeks.

We are finally adding another rule. I know finally is a bit silly since we only started up the rules on Monday this week. But come on! Having one rule??!!! THAT is definitely silly.

We’ve had more time together that usual and on Thursday we leave for LONDON (baby!) for four days. No kids, luxury hotel, greatest city in the world… gonna be epic!

I really love this blogging thing! I have blogged a lot in the past but the last 7 years it’s been mostly business. This is all me. Wuhu!

THE CHALLENGING STUFF

T has a big thing for fisting and after 8 years I have finally let him try it since I really want him to use my body for his pleasure and it turns out: I am to tight! That just seems unfair. To him. I just feel a bit disappointed that he can’t have his fantasi fulfilled. I am more that fully filled. (See what I did there?)

THE BAD STUFF

I need even more spanking. Or longer spanking sessions with less force so it can really last.

Come on kids. Can we have five minutes alone just talking without you having a breakdown of some kind? No? Ok.

THOUGHTS

I am not in best of places mentally right now but T does what he can to help me. We are very different in the way we need support so he usually walks back into what he would need in a similar situation and sometimes that is the opposite of what I need. So it can actually make things worse sometimes but I know he does it to be kind.

Other than that I am getting a lot of energy from blogging and starting to communicate with other awesome bloggers. You should check some of them out:

Domestic Discipline, Jenny style! – Could possibly be the coolest person in the internet.
The wonderful world of Witty – Writes lovely story’s from here life that really drags you in.
CollaredMichael – Who by the way read all my posts when finding my blog. Must be one of he most epic people ever! I might not be able to read all your blogs in one night though CM – you have quite a lot more of them than I do.

FANTASIES

I am adding this fantasy-section because it is easier than actually telling T what I am fantasizing about. We have had sort of “themes” these last weeks. First it was T reclaiming anal sex. Then it was using, abusing and stretching fisting my… not anus? Wow I don’t really know what word I would use here. In fact in Swedish I never say the word for my most used hole.( It’s funny because I am not really a shy or in any way prude person but there are just a few words I don’t say. That is one of them. I also never swear unless I am incredibly angry. Hmm…). This week it’s oral sex and that’s good because I don’t like it. I don’t like giving it. I don’t like receiving it. And it’s a good “I don’t like” that can turn into a humiliation turn on.

So naturally many of my fantasies right now revolves around oralsex:

Having to ride the big dildo though that is fastened on the wall while performing oral sex and then turning around and sucking the dildo on the wall and having T take me instead. I even have a link to a video kind of of this: Video

I want T to do the oralsex + spanking thing again.

Riding the “wall dildo” (I guess that’s the nickname now since I’ve described it like this three times. It is decided.) when Husband isn’t home and streaming it somewhere where only he can log in. I know he wants to this. I don’t. But it’s a good don’t.

When we are in London I am kind of fantasizing about me having to swallow his cum at least before breakfast and dinner to be allowed to eat.

Some weeks ago I read a post of some kind about a sub having a day collar and a night collar and I haven’t been able to get it out of my head. I think I would like a pice of jewelry that T picked out that I could wear as a symbol of my submission. We have talked about this before and that we have our wedding rings that binds us together. But anyway. Something like this. Or this. Or this! Another idea is to make our engagement ring (that doesn’t seem to wanna fit me anymore) into a pendant. It’s a very simple, white-gold ring.

I think it could be interesting when we are at a party or something like that to bring my Satisfyer (the most epic vibrator of all time and thank you T for buying it. I know you are very proud. Now please remove that smug smile of your face.) and having Husband tell me to go away and have an orgasm somewhere.